Today...

I'm dipping into a disastrous circumstance as of about 9:00 yesterday.

I love someone without being in love with someone.

There are a million reasons why this never should have started, but it did regardless. There are a million reasons it should have stopped since then, but it hasn't.

there are a couple of reasons why, last night, neither of us could sleep.

on opposite sides of the bed.




the scary part was that I think both of us noticed. We were fidgeting around, adjusting and readjusting for thirty minutes, and still neither of us could sleep.

We weren't in my territory or on my terms. I decided not to insist that you come closer, although i'm almost positive both of us wanted to be touching and both of us were too scared to admit it or do anything about it.



Then I looked over to you, and one of your eyes opened.

"I can't sleep."
"I can't either. I think I know how to fix this."

And I knew, as soon as I rolled over and found myself back on top of you, that neither of us would have trouble sleeping when i rolled back off and curled into your side, with your arm tucking me in.





I wanted to leave. I wanted to get up, get dressed, and walk back to my house while he was sleeping.

I wanted to tell him that I didn't want him to move, but if he thought that was best, that it was no business of mine.

I wanted to asked him if he liked it...to ask him if he was happier then than when she was home, pestering him and making him feel like shit.

I wanted to tell him that I care about him, but that it didn't make him special because it's impossible for me to have any kind of relationship with someone without caring. If I can love almost everyone else I work with, there's no way I could keep myself from caring about him.

I wanted to tell him that he's worth caring about, because I don't think he hears that enough.




I wonder if anyone ever tells him that they love him. I wonder if I will before he's gone.

I dont know what I want anymore.

I thought I knew what I wanted. I really thought I did.

two nights ago I sat on my porch and asked myself if this was enough for me. i dont have anything to complain about, but something in me wants more. Maybe it's because theres no way I can have that.

It doesn't help that he admitted to actually wanting to spend time with me outside of my bedroom.

Things weren't supposed to get this complicated.

NOTHING ABOUT THIS IS RATIONAL AT ALL.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life, and I intend on living it.

To celebrate, I intend on having sex.

To summarize, I couldn't be more happy - today.




(i'll worry about everything else tomorrow.)

Well....a lot has happened.

September - I started working at Waffle House. saw Joe on campus a couple of times, and at the end of the month sent him a message that I wanted my artwork returned to me.

October - Joe returned my stuff and we attempted a fledgeling friendship.

November - by the middle of the month, there is no more interested in keeping up a false friendship with joe. he stops answering my calls, theres a bad situation at a party, i eventually send an email demanding that we talk or else I'm done. He never responds. I go home for Thanksgiving and upon my return, there's new sexual frustration at waffle house. On the 30th, I have my birthday party and Joe shows up - I respond by asking what the fuck he's doing in my living room.

December - My birthday is on the fourth, and after my 8 o'clock class i rush to work because Vinnie is sick and needs to go home early. I get there at 10:30 to find a carrot cake with a burning candle in my boss's office.

everything goes very quickly from this point.

I'm happy, and I'm free.

maybe its time to just let you die. maybe its time to stop holding on so tighly, stop trying so hard, and just love and appreciate and cherish everythat that was good without comparing it to how flawed everything is now.

firmly a part of the Society of Friends (Quaker church), attending meeting every Sunday
in New Orleans for fall break; got beignet mix from the Cafe du Monde company store this morning
warm and comfortable in egyptian cotton sheets
still alive after a 13 hour drive
tired
full from eating all day (food is free at home)
still alive after a flat tire on Thursday morning, 2 hours before work and an hour away from the particular tire company that would replace the flat one
happy that a friend was there to help me loosen the lug nuts
happy that friend's name was Joe

....

maybe that requires explanation. maybe it doesn't.
maybe i dont want to explain anymore, especially since i'm still unsure what to think about all of this.

i miss those simple days.

well...most of my posts lately have been bullshit, me complaining and lamenting my loveless state. i'm in a "fuck that guy" mood right now, so i think i'll just make a general life post.

I have a calculus test and a latin quiz tomorrow. I'm not ready and nor have I studied for either of them because i was working (at Waffle House) all day today and i'm flat out exhausted. I slept through Physics this morning and usually it wouldnt be a problem, but we had a test this morning. I emailed my teacher and i'm basically making it up tomorrow, so I also have a Physics test tomorrow (but at least i dont have to go to work.)

I love Wilmington and UNCW. I like work also, but since I still don't have the hang of calling and taking orders I don't yet love it. At school and work I've met so many interesting people. Campus is really beautiful, but since my schedule has so many holes of useless time, i've been smoking so many cigarettes.

The beast inside me purrs when I listen to Eminem.

I want you to imagine for one moment that I, with the knowledge of the future, was talking to you in the past. What would I tell you?

Dear Joe Winslow

We have been dating for a month now, and it has been the most magical period of my life thus far. I wondered if I would ever connect with anyone in as many levels with so many facets as my own, but I have found you. We have come to each other as enhancement of our own lives and collectively, we have developed love in the process. I don’t care that I’m thinner or perhaps more attractive than you – we are two halves of the same whole. We love each other for the right reasons, and we are best friends.
Imagine where we might be in two years from this moment – two and a half years. August of 2007, juxtaposed with February of 2005; are we great friends, if not still together in love?
I have not spoken to you since December of 2006, when you abused me. For two months you ignored my calls, convinced yourself that I’m not worth speaking to anymore because you’re “just sick of it.” You are in a fraternity, something both of us opposed before you left for college the summer of 2005. That was the catalyst, I suppose, for the entire situation. I am going to North Carolina School of the Arts this December, my family in Louisiana, and you are the closest thing I have to family. Your family and I get along very well. I call your mom “Mom.” You came and visited me in New Orleans, and we had the most amazing time…
I tried to fix everything when perhaps I shouldn’t have. Brittney Lunsford picked me up in Winston-Salem when I was desperate to see you, to talk to you and convince you that we shouldn’t ignore each other and preserve our friendship, so convoluted through years of on-again off-again relationship status. I showed up on your doorstep; you saw me and locked the door.
I don’t even want to tell you all that transpired that weekend. You drove me, quite literally, to the edge of insanity.
I have seen you at UNCW, where you and I go to school now. We haven’t spoken either time. I live off-campus to keep in-state tuition, but it’s difficult. I wish that I had the advantage of the dorms to meet new friends, but money is, all the sudden, much more important. I want to go to law school as a segway into politics, and to do that I plan on transferring to UNC in order to make the application to Yale look just a bit better. I can’t afford out-of-state tuition for UNC; I used your home address for NCSA, but we severed ties- you severed ties.
I loved you with a love most people don’t experience in their lifetimes. I lied to you the first time I told you so, but since that was a month ago (the first day we started dating) I knew I didn’t want to hurt your feelings or your ego. I have done everything for you at this point – I would give my life for you. We almost died together in a car – your new Acura RSX when you hydroplaned. We have been through so much together. For two years, we were nearly inseparable. I wonder if you could understand how much I miss you even now, months after you began absolutely hating me.

Dear Ghost


apologies slip past
your soft lips
a ghost on my mouth
a ghost in my head
not suppressed
memory consumes me
I can breathe you in
In
instead.
Wish becomes and I
I become too
one in myself
and one with you
Don’t worry.
Hands slip past
and all the sadness
seeps through sheets
by a mountain
or a quarry
with the ghost.
your ghost is kind
when he holds my cheek
when he says “I’m sorry.”
When we talk
When we feel again together
his tenderness remains
while yours is just a memory.
You revive.
I’m alive.